Roflcopter's Journals

]=

I lost mah cell phone. ]]]= Thursday.

I has an update

Things are going swimmingly now! = D I've made a few new friends and I looove my DMD teacher, lol Ian gets upset when I mention him.

I love almost all my classes, EXCEPT health and college 101, I don't understand why I must take classes that are relative to what I'm going into! D=<

The douchebag and princess are being civil and we're all actually getting along. The bitchy one is still being the same, but even creepier and more pathetic. They keep buring inscents for some reason and it's really gross.

We have internet and cable now! But I still don't have my laptop, I'm stealing Ian's right now x] but I should get mine soon, if I don't within the next two weeks, I'mma just buy one. It feels weird not being home and not being around my parents. It feels even weirder not being in class right now ( I get a break from 11 to 2 = D )

How's school going for everyone else?

Lol

I'm living with a bitch, a princess, a douchebag and my boyfriend.

This is going to be interesting.

HOLY CRAP

I'm living with a baboon!

HEEEY!

My friend is trying to win a scholarship to college, so you can help her by watching this video and voting! = DDD

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gc2UZWkndH8

so you know how I was worried about being forced to go to the doctors with the preggo friend?

Lol, not happening anymore. She's perpetually mad at Ian and I for spending time together without her. 'Cause, you know, we're OBVS not dating and it's just TERRIBLE of us to watch movies without her and go on dates. She tried to make it sound like we did ZERO work on that house and instead just spent our time watching movies. WTF?

Girl be crazy and I'm kind of afraid to live with her.

She's also mad because I got ticked that her and the other couple we're going to be living with went out, bought curtains and didn't tell me. My mom spent two hours fixing up these curtains we had so we could use them. She wasted two hours doing something and none of those kids have even thanked the two moms and grandparents that have been helping us, or my aunt who single handedly cleaned the basement and under the deck. Wait! I take that back, the girl (who isn't as bitchy) thanked my aunt.

Lol IM ANGRRRRYYYYYY!!!! But living with ian will be worth it, 'cause then we can spend all night laughing until we cry over youtube videos.

A really good friend of mine is getting hitched on Saturday to his long time girlfriend and it's got me thinking.

Am I ever going to feel like being married? And what if I never change my views on kids (Babies annoy the crap out of me, toddlers are cute.) I'm such an attention hog that I don't think I could ever be happy being with someone and having a kid. I dunno, at this point in my life I don't really care. I'm seeing what trying to grow up too fast is doing to my friends, not the ones I mentioned in the title, but others around me.

Sure, I have Disney posters, I have Sailor Moon bed sheets and I still cuddle a giant Wario doll when I sleep, but does that make me immature? Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. I know I still have a lot of growing up to do, but am I immature? I like to think I'm childish, but not immature. I'm not completely ignorant to things going on around me, I'd just rather watch an animated film with a happy ending than listen to all the tragedies going on around me. I know it sounds bad, but it's how I cope. I don't think I'm stupid, just a little misguided. I let myself think I'm really strong and independent, but I break. I have before and I might again, I'm not sure. I just know I've learned from what happened and I refuse to let it happen again. It was the biggest and stupidest mistake of my life, but I'm hoping I can grow past it.

I'm a little insecure, heck, the whole reason I'm wondering if I really am immature is because my 18 year old, maybe pregnant, best friend called me an immature idiot because I got sidetracked while shopping and almost bought a Disney princesses backpack. So what if I'm going into college? I like to think that maybe I can keep at least a little bit of innocence and not be a completely blackened pit of...bleck. I can't even put into words how I'm feel. It's weird. I feel good, heck, I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. I haven't even thought about how it would feel to die or what people would think in so long, but at the same time, I feel like there's another part of me I just wish I could purge from myself.

I wish I knew what I was doing, where I was going. I wish I knew who I was going to be in ten years, what I'm going to end up doing, who's going to be around me or if I'll even make it to my 30th birthday. Not knowing makes me anxious, it worries me. What if that black part of me starts to take over, who will I be then? Will I still be watching The Little Mermaid and singing 'Under The Sea' at the top of my lungs just to embarrass whoever is next to me? Or will I be swallowing my pride every night?

I'm really kind of scared, but at the same time...I'm not. it's like part of me knows that I won't turn out how I'm fearing, but it's not one hundred percent sure.

And then there's this whole thing with my friend, I always thought I'd be able to support her no matter what. But now that the 'no matter what' has finally showed itself, I'm not sure if I can. I've already told her she won't be able to live in the same house that we've all worked so hard to fix. It just won't work. I can't stand babies, neither can anyone else in the house. Besides, we won't have the money or time to baby proof the place. But I don't want to toss her aside, I don't agree with her choice, but it is her choice. Right? I can be there for her, but that doesn't mean I have to sacrifice myself for her, right?

I know it's horrible of me, but I just wish she'd think about this again. How can an 18 year old, with no job, plan to take care of a baby when she's only able to go to college on the promise that she'll keep her grades at a 3.0? I just wish she'd think about the poor child, I know plenty of parents have raised their children in the same or worse, but I don't think she can do it. She's just not ready. Just a couple days ago she was sitting on the floor in our house, whining to her mom to take her out to eat, because she didn't want to go home because that was 'boring'. She's spent almost all of her nights out until at least 3 in the morning, doing...I honestly don't want to know, because there's not much to do in this small town at that hour. She acts like she can take care of a baby, but can she really? Can she really give up going out so much, buying such expensive things or just even relaxing to take care of an infant?

Heck, she's so odd about things that if I tell her I can't go out, she makes an out of the way trip to my house. She just cannot stay at one place without wanting to go running around and that worries me. I'm afraid for the unborn child, the child she might very well just toss off to her grandparents or parents when she wants and treat the poor thing like it's a discarded toy.

The worst part is who the father is, he doesn't even like her. He's hit on my before in front of her, he's called her names, told her he hates her and even called her a slut, while at the same time trying to tell me she had been telling him things that I did with guys. But she keeps going back to him, just because 'he's back to how he was'. The best part? He told her he did all those things because he felt like she was 'forcing him into a relationship and he's just not ready', but he was ready to bareback it and get her pregnant, awesome guy. Really.

I'm really hoping that her pregnancy test comes out negative, not just for her sake, but for the sake of the poor child. She's not ready, no matter how much she thinks she is. If she really were ready...I think I might see this differently, but she's never had to take care of anything else before. She's never even had to buy her own gas. Heck, she doesn't want to buy another pregnancy test because they 'cost too much money'. What's she going to say when she has to buy packages of diapers? Or bottles?

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe she'll be a great mother. All I know is that I don't think I can support her fully right now, of course I'll be there for her, I'm going with her to the clinic and to the gyno (Yup, that is gonna be a creepy trip), but I don't think I can support her decision to raise the baby. I wonder if she thinks having his baby will make him love her?

Right now, thinking of this like that make me glad I'm with Ian now. I really don't know what I was thinking with the whole Andrew thing, it was such a waste. It makes me sick to think of it now. I really don't know what was wrong with me, I think...maybe I was trying to make the people around me happy. It seemed like they constantly told me how much I 'liked him', how I supposed blushed when they said his name. But...I don't think I ever really liked him. I think it was more the idea that I had someone who saw me for something special. It's not something I'm used to, heck, it actually wasn't even true. He just saw me as another knotch in his headboard, maybe he just felt special scoring a date with the undateable? I'm not sure, I just know if I think about then and now...there's no comparison.

Ian is...so incredible. He treats me like he really does like me, he tells me how pretty he thinks I am, how cute I am when I get upset. He held my hand when we walked down the street, Andrew never did that. I'm pretty sure he was ashamed. And Ian doesn't just try to use me for sexual favors. He makes me happy. He makes me feel like I have a reason to be alive, he makes me feel like I'm not as lost as I think. He's a supportive shoulder when I need it and a hard smack of reality to the face when I'm going crazy. And he doesn't make me feel like he's constantly comparing me to someone else.

And the best part? He did the whole over the top, way too cutesy confession and kiss when he told me he liked me. It was something memorable, something so touching.

Wow, I should so lay off the typing. I'm not even on here this much and I'm rambling and being a bother when I am. I'm really hoping I can get on buzznet more often and for more than just a second or two.

I like to think I'm the same person I was last year, just with more insight into life. But I could be wrong. I'm just terrified of losing everything that I used to be, especially my fury temper and sharp tongue.

I really think I'm finally ready to give life a chance, to open myself up and bare my sooooul. Maybe I'll buy a ticket back out to Arizona before school starts. I'm already missing my brother and I think I could use a breathe of fresh air. Maybe I'll just jump in my car and take off, I could do that when I go see Blink. Just take a day in Pittsburgh and break free for a bit.

Lol, I think that house is eating my SOOOOUUUULLL. Ian says it's haunted and I think it is, we got graveyards on BOTH SIDES! And they're really close DDD= Imma scared, BUT I SHALL FACE MY FEARS! We also have lots o' spiders, but we did pick up a cute stray cat. It's a tabby and it looks like Morris from the 9lives cans. She's a cutie.

Anyway, Imma head to bed. Too much thinking for one night, not to mention I still need to find a tie and shirt for the wedding Saturday, lol. I should just wear booty shorts and open toe sandles! and a moustache, always wear a curly moustache to important events. It never goes outta style!

aaalllmooosssttt doooonnneee! =D

My rooom, we still have some stuff to do to finish it. The door is gonna be checkerboard!

Ceiling!

Living Room!(I got in SO much trouble for painting that trim and window white, BUT they had it the same color as the walls before! It looked soooo bad)

Dining room! (We have to repaint some of the wall because SOMEONE got paint on them!IAN)

Kitchen!

Laundry Room!

Ian's room! (oh, doesn't my boyfriend have the BEST TASTE EVAR! Yuck, that green.)

Deck! (I still need to stain the sides of the wood and the railing)

Front door, lol he needs to fix the glass!

Dylan and Brandi's room! (and the flooring for the laundry room and bathroom)

Oh and...

he looks sad DDDDDDDDDDD= I also didn't know color wasn't extra until AFTER he had finished! He also rested his arm in my buttcrack a couple times and he kept apologizing lol, he also kept trying to make Ian jealous AND the owner walked in and was like 'Oh, cute butt' saw I was a guy, got really awkward and walked away super fast.

BUT THE HOUSE IS ALMOST DOOONE! I'm excited to move in after the first! = DDDD

The house part 2

It's getting better, we're still working on the living room and front hallway and deck. But the dinning room and kitchen and bathroom and laundry room are looking better! = D

We painted the dinning room orange with white trim.

and the kitchen is still being worked on, but it's going to be a bright red with white cabinets and trim

And the laundry room is a navy blue, I think we're doing white trim in there, too. lol

And the bathroom is no longer that nasty sea foam color, it's a pretty purple with white trim! = D

We're getting a new toliet and flooring for the bathroom, kitchen and laundry room. I really think the living room is going to look the nicest, I'm excited to do it! We had to use this stuff to make the walls textured so you couldn't tell how uneven and beat up they were, BUT! this neon yellow text started pulling up and showing through the white stuff we put down! So weird.

We're also painting the hallway that dark blue, but with off-white trim, because one of the bedroom doors is white. My room has no closet and it's there when you open the front door, lol. I also have a plywood wall and a view of a dumpster, but my Sailor Moon sheets will make up for it!

Anyway, we're almost done and I'll get better pictures and more when we're done putting furniture in the house. =D

So I got a tattoo on my right butt cheek

it's a unicorn! = D